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    War on Drugs/Satire

    Off of "Relentless" live comedy album recorded by Bill Hicks. It's from the same show as Persian Gulf Distraction.

    In this skit, Bill tears apart the perception and mechanism behind 'The war on drugs' or the aptly stated by War on Drugs#Robert Anton Wilson: The 'War some drugs'.


    ...
    (Audience member: "You have a bad attitude")
    (Bill singing: "We've only just begun...") 
    I got all sorts of new dark shit for you, my man.
    You ever dance with the devil in the moonlight? 
    

    Weekend Drinker[edit]

    I don't know what my attitude is, I'm trying to work on it all this time, you know. 
    I'm drinking water tonight, that's pretty amazing, water, it's really weird how your life
    changes, you know what I mean, water. 
    Four years ago - OPIUM. 
    Isn't that weird, I mean, really! 
    Night and day, night and fucking day! 
    Some of y'all may remember me, I was a drinker. 
    I was a weekend drinker, you know, 
    I'd start on Saturday, and end on Friday, and I thought I was controlling it there. 
    I don't drink anymore, I don't do drugs anymore, either, than, I'd
    say the average touring funk band. I had to add it up. 
    

    Where is my commercial[edit]

    No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. 
    But I'll tell you something about drugs, I used to do drugs, 
    but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, 
    honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, 
    you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth  
    
    I had a great time doing drugs. 
    
    Sorry. 
    Never murdered anyone, 
    Never robbed anyone, 
    Never raped anyone, 
    Never beat anyone, 
    Never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, 
    laughed my ass off, and went about my day. 
    Sorry. 
    Now...where's my commercial? 
    Why don't I get a commercial? 
    Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial? 
    (Sad hillbilly voice) "I lost my job, then my car, then my house, then my kids. Don't do drugs."
    Well, I'm definitely not doing them with you, fuck! 
    Man, you're bumming me out, get him out of here! 
    Who invited Mr. Doom over, get that guy out of here! 
    That guy by the (salad) dip, he's bumming everyone out! 
    He hasn't stopped talking, I wish he'd lose his fucking voice! 
    I mean, I've lost my car before, okay. 
    ...Found it the next day, you know, no biggie. 
    I don't think that warranted a commercial. 
    (Hillbill voice) "I lost my car and uh... oh, there it is by that dumpster! 
                     Forget it! See you tomorrow! Honk, honk!" 
    You know, I've lost stuff, I'm not saying that. 
    

    Here's your brain on drugs commercial[edit]

    I knew we were in trouble with that damn egg commercial, that guy.
    I knew that was the government's take on drugs, we're fucked, you know.
    "Here's your brain." 
    I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs, 
    I have never ever EVER EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, 
    NOT ONCE, all right? 
    I have seen UFO's split the sky like a sheet, 
    but I have never EVER EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not once! 
    I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, 
    explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there is no such
    thing as death, but I have never ever ever ever ever looked at an egg, 
    and thought it was a fucking brain. 
    Now...Maybe I wasn't getting good shit??? 
    I admit it! I see that commercial, I feel cheated! 
    (Hillbilly voice) Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? That sounds neat. 
    Did I quit too soon? What is that, CIA stash? 
    

    How dare you have a wino lecture not to do drugs[edit]

    You see the guy in that commercial, that guy's got a beer gut- 
    (Mimicing an alcoholic with a beer belly)
    "All right, this is it. Look up, man. This is your brain. I ain't doing this again. That's your -"
    The guy's drunk and doing this fucking commercial. 
    (mimcing again) "Here's your brain." 
    (Bill fed up and replying to commecial) 
    That's an egg! That's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic, 
    dude, I'm tripping r i g h t now, and I still see that is a fucking egg, all right? 
    I see the UFO's around it, but that is a goddamn egg in the middle! 
    There's a hobbit eating it, but...Goddamn it! that hobbit is eating a fucking egg! 
    He's on a unicorn, but that dam-up-nup-oh-hop, that's a fucking egg! yeah 
    How dare you have a wino lecture me not to do drugs!!!!!!
    

    Why did you quit[edit]

    (From the audience: "Why did you quit?")
    Why did I quit? 
    Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kind of hard to top that, all right. 
    They have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Alien Anonymous. 
    I tell you what, though, going to AA meetings, which I have to do, 
    but going there and hearing people talking about their fucking booze stories, you know. 
    (Alcholics Anonymous'er: "You know, I love the taste of gin, it's so good, tastes-") 
    (Hicks responding) Fuck you!!! I've been on a UFO, fuck off! 
    I went drinking with aliens, you fucker, shut up! 
    (AA'er: "I lost my wife-" 
    (Hicks) I lost an alien culture who wanted to take me to the planet Arcturus, fuck you! 
    I mean, I don't know if I've got the resentment, you know, 
    forgiveness part down in the book, but...
    (singing) "One day at a time . . ." 
    I just cannot, you know, believe in a war against drugs when 
    they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, 
    "This Bud's for you." I got news for you, folks. 
    A-1, alcohol is a drug, and 
    B-2, and here's the real one, alcohol kills more people than 
    crack, coke and heroin ... combined each year. 
    So, thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic/drug den here tonight. 
    You fine, upstanding citizens, you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. 
    

    Pot is a better drug then alcohol[edit]

    Now. 
    You know what, if I was going to have a drug be legal, it would not be alcohol, you know why?
    There's better drugs and better drugs for you. 
    That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue. 
    (Intellectual hillbilly voice) Wait a minute, Bill, alcohol is an accepted form of social
                                   interaction which for thousands of years has been the norm under 
                                   which human beings have congregated in the form of social events 
                                   and... 
    Shut the fuck up. 
    Your denial is beneath you, and 
    thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
    Pot is a better drug than alcohol - fact, and I'll prove it. 
    You're at a ballgame, you're at a concert, someone's really violent, aggressive and
    obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? 
    (Audience all together: "Drunk!") 
    (Anouncer voice)The one and only correct answer, tell them what they've won, Johnny. 
    I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible! 
    (Bill mimics 2 guys getting into a fight while high on pot)
    (Guy 1 pushes Guy 2) Hey, buddy. 
    (Guy 2 pushes bach) Hey, what? 
    (Long pause while both of them with a clueless look on their faces)
    End of argument. 
    
    Say you get in a car accident, and you've been smoking pot. 
    You're only going four miles an hour. 
    (Bill making car noises) Vroom... CRASH. 
    (High freind 1) "Shit, we hit something." 
    (High friend 2) "Forgot to open the garage door, man. 
                    We got to get the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home!"
    

    God made a mistake[edit]

    But I'll tell you the truth, 
    I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. 
    That rang true, 
    now, I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, because I hope you know this, 
    I think you do, all governments are lying cocksuckers. 
    I hope you know that. Good. 
    I mean, marijuana grows everywhere, it serves a thousand different functions,
    all of them positive, to make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake,
    You know what I mean? 
    It's like God, on the seventh day, looked down on his creation and said, 
    (Deep Male voice) "There it is. My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. 
                       Now, I can rest... 
                       Oh my me. 
                       I left fucking pot everywhere. 
                       I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. 
                       Shit. 
                       If I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression 
                       they're supposed to use it. 
                       Shit. 
                       Now I have to create Republicans." 
    So, you see, it's a vicious cycle.
    And I'm not promoting the use of drugs, believe me, I'm not. 
    I've had bad times on drugs, I mean, just look at this haircut. 
    Fuck. 
    

    Drugs in New York[edit]

    Tell you, I live in New York now, man, tell you, man, 
    the war on drugs has taken a real cease fire there, it's, I mean, it's incredible. 
    They sell drugs out loud on the street. 
    (Screaming like in a market) "Heroin, heroin! Heroin, heroin!" "Coke, coke! Smoke, smoke!"
                                 "Heroin, heroin!" 
    Those guys bug the shit out of me. I'm walking down the street one day, 
    this guy's walking ahead of me, passes one of those dealers,
    he looks at him, he goes, "Heroin, heroin, heroin!" 
    I pass him, he goes, "Glue!" 
    (Bill Pissed off) "I can afford heroin, you fucker. 
                       I'm doing laundry right now. 
                       Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners, 
                       I'm coming back and buying some of that shit from you! 
    I mean, he embarrassed me to death, I was mortified.
    Glue!!
    Fucker!!
                      "Where's a bank machine? 
                       C'mere! C'mere, Mr. Dealer, c'mere! 
                       I'm gonna show you my balance! 
                       Then I'm gonna buy heroin from that little kid across the street! 
                       Fuck you! 
    New York's a rather tense town.
    

    Drugs have done some good things for us[edit]

    See, I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do. 
    And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor, 
    go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CD's 
    and burn them! 
    Because, you know what, the musicians who made all that great music that's 
    enhanced your lives throughout the years... rrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs. 
    Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes. 
    Tell me they weren't partying. 
    (singing: "We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine.") 
    We all live in a - Do you know how fucking high they were when they wrote that?! 
    They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with a rake to sing that fucking song! 
    (Beatle voices) John, get Ringo, he's in the corner. 
                    Ooh, look at him scoot, grab him! 
                    Hook his bellbottom, hook his bellbottom! 
                    He's got a song he wants to sing us. 
                    Something about living in a yellow tambourine or something. 
                    Ringo! Yoko's gone, come down, we can party again! 
    They were real high, they wrote great music, drugs did have a positive effect.
    

    We are rockers against drugs[edit]

    Okay, I'll tell you what else. 
    I'm gonna extend the theory to our generation, now, so it's more applicable. 
    The musicians today, who don't do drugs, and in fact speak out against it-
    (rock in roll voice: "We're rockers against drugs") 
    Boy, they suck. 
    Suck! 
    Ball-less, soul-less, spirit-less, corporate little bitches, 
    suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them. 
    (Bill makes sucking noises into the microphone) 
    (Bill Sings) Suckin' Satan's pecker, suck it! 
    Put that big scaly pecker down your gullet! 
    (rock and roll voice)"We're rock against drugs, because that's what George Bush wants!" 
    (sucking noises) 
    That's what we want, isn't it? 
    Government approved rock n' roll? 
    Don't you want to be at a concert one night, look to your right and 
    see Dan fucking Quayle right next to you, man?
    You know you're partying then, you know you're on the edge! 
    (happy fan voice) "Fuck it, the Quayle-Monster's here, there ain't no going back! 
                       We might be up to eleven tonight, fuck this!" 
    (rock and roll voice)"We're rock stars who do Pepsi-Cola commercials!"
    (sucking on mic) 
    Luckily, Satan's dick has many heads, so all these little demon 
    piglets can nuzzle up and suckle all at once. 
    (announcer voice) "Here comes a fella named Vanilla Ice!" 
    (sucking mic) 
    (announcer voice) "Here comes M.C. Hammer!" 
    (sucking mic)
    (announcer voice) "Here's Madonna, with two heads!" 
    (sucking mic) 
    (singing) Suckin' Satan's pecker, suck it! 
              It's only you dignity, suck it! 
              It's only your dignity, suck it! 
    
    M.C. Hammer - oh, I'm sorry, it's 'Hammer', he dropped the M.C. 
    I can't wait till he drops the Hammer too. 
    How about this, drop it all. Good.
    

    I am available for children's parties[edit]

    I am available for children's parties, by the way. 
    Some of y'all might have a young'un coming of age, and not want to go the traditional,
    clown/balloon/animal route this year, you might want to look me up-
    "Bee'elzebozo." 
    Clown from hell. 
    (Bee'el'zebozo voice) 
           "Hi, kids, it's Bee'el'zebozo time! Tell me something, 
            who here out of you young'uns has never smoked a cigarette? 
            C'mere, kids!" 
            (making ciggarette sucking noises) 
            (Bee'el'zebozo: "What's your name?") 
            (little boy: "Tommy.") 
            (Bee'el'zebozo: "Tommy, how old are you?" 
            (little boy: "Five.") 
            (Bee'el'zebozo: "Five years old, and you mean to tell Beezlebozo you're 
                             not smoking cigarettes yet? C'mere, Tommy!") 
            (making ciggarette sucking noises)
            (little boy coughing) 
            (Bee'el'zebozo: "Hold it in.") 
            (little boy: "Mommy!!!") 
            (Bee'el'zebozo: "Nope, it's Beezlebozo time.) 
            "Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never watched a skin flick? 
            C'mere, kids! 
            See them, them's titties!" 
            (little boy:"Mommy!") 
            (Bee'el'zebozo: "That is your mommy. It's Beezlebozo time!" 
    Clown from hell.
    

    Why dont families take mushrooms[edit]

    See, I don't know, I just differ, you know, like, you remember those summer
    trips you'd take with your folks, growing up, you remember those nightmare
    fucking excursions, you know? 
    Instead of doing that, why don't families take mushrooms? 
    Stay home and trip together. 
    It'd be a much better trip! 
    The home movies would be tons more fun. 
    Just twenty minutes of someone's thumb.
    (Bill makes cool projector reel turning sound: WRRRRRRRRRRRRR)
       (Bill's father in movie) "You see, son, the thumb is opposable, 
                                that's why we can use tools and live indoors." 
       WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 
       (Bill's Mother in movie) "Speaking of indoors, do you get the impression 
                                the walls are breathing?" 
       (Bill in movie)"I do, Mom." 
       WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 
       (Bill's father) "It's like we're all one consciousness, 
                        experiencing itself subjectively."
       WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 
       (Bill's father) "...There is no such thing as death, son, it's only an illusion
                        that we are separate beings, in actuality we are all one consciousn-"
       WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 
       (Bill's father) "God is love and love is all there is, 
                        and if that's all there is, there can be no opposite." 
       (Bill) "Cool, Dad!" 
       WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 
    I think that'd be such a neat trip, to go away, with your parents, 
    I think it'd be more of an eye-opener, perhaps a third-eye opener. 
    

    Related: Bill Hicks | Persian Gulf Distraction | War on Drugs Cagegory:Comedy

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