The Doctrine of The Original Snub
Zeus was throwing a party on Mount Olympus, and it was a whole big to-do. Everybody who anybody would be there. Every god and goddess, every major and minor diety, was invited; except the Goddess Eris. Zeus did not invite Eris because she had a completely unjustified reputation for causing trouble.
On the day of the party, Eris was so upset about being snubbed, so forged a beautiful apple out of either gold or pure Acapulco gold, and on the apple she carved the word “Kallisti‿ which is a Greek word meaning “for the fairest one". She snuck up Mount Olympus, and quitely rolled the golden apple into the middle of the party. She then quitely sulked back down the great mountain and eased her pain by partaking in a hot dog. That is why Discordians are forbidden from eating hot dog buns.
Back up at the party, the goddesses Hera, Aphrodite, and Minerva (aka, Athena) plus two others, after reading the inscription on the mysterious apple of gold, immediately claimed that the apple was for themselves. After much fighting, they demanded that Zeus decide who the apple was meant for. Now one thing people don’t always realize about Zeus, his momma didn’t raise no fool. He knew better than to take sides with one of these goddesses against the other two. He responded, “It would hardly be fair for me to judge such a contest; Hera is my wife, and Minerva is my daughter. And Aphrodite…I mean Aphrodite…em hem, well…she’s the freakin Goddess of Beauty! What we need is an impartial judge…a human!‿ So they found a human, a Trojan named Paris, and told him that he was to be the judge in this contest, to determine which of the three goddesses would be the rightful owner of the apple; which, indeed, was the fairest one.
In the days leading up to the judgement, each of the three goddesses approached Paris is secret and attempted to bribe him into choosing her. Minerva approached first. “Paris‿, she whispered from behind a bush. “Paris!‿. Paris didn’t hear her. “Hey, Paris, a freakin’ goddess is over here calling your name, huh?‿ Paris looked up and saw the armour-clad goddess. “Look‿, she said. “I’m the goddess of battle, and the goddess of wisdom. If you pick me as the winner of the golden apple, I’ll grant you glory in battle, and all human knowledge.‿
That sounded pretty good to Paris, until Hera visited the next day, in the form of a peacock. As she approached Paris’ flock of sheep, he jumped to his feet and chased her away. Paris’ sheep were afraid of peacocks. It’s a long story involving a traveling circus and some drunken Carnies. A few minutes later, Hera came trudging up the hill in her human form, breathing heavily and trying to catch her breath. When Paris saw her, out of breath and with peacock feathers still clinging to her here and there, he realized what he had done and dropped to his knees. “Alright, alright, get up‿, said Hera, impatiently. “Look, we’ll forget all about this little incident, alright? I have a proposal for you. Listen; I’m the freaking queen of the gods, alright? If you choose me as winner of this little contest, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m not interested in that little apple of Acapulco Gold; I just want to shut up that bratty daughter of mine, and that bimbo goddess of love. If you give me the apple…I’ll give it back to you. You can smoke yourself silly and blaze you’re way straight up to high-heaven. You can party with all us gods and goddesses up there on Mount Olympus, it’ll be a gas!‿. Paris liked the sound of that. He’d never had any great ambitions, that why he became a sheppard in the first place. A constant party on mount olympus seems like a pretty sweet deal.
So Paris was all set to pick Hera, right up until the day of the contest, when Aphrodite appeared to him. “Look‿, she said. “I’m no fool, I know those other two squares have already come to you, offering you all sorts of fancy stuff. Now, It’s no surprise, I’m not the brightest bulb on ole’ mount olymp so I can’t exactly offer you all human knowledge, and I’m more of a lover than a fighter, if you catch my draft, so that whole messy glory in battle thing is right out. And I’ll be honest, if you give me that Apple of Acapulco Gold, I’m gonna take that thing straight to my crib and binge till I can’t see straight.‿ Paris was getting pretty depressed by this point. He had been more than excited when the goddess of erotica first appeared to him, but he was starting to wonder why she even bothered coming. “But I’ll tell you what I can do.‿ She continued. “If you make me the winner, I’ll get you the most beautiful woman in all the world.‿ He looked at her curiously for a few moments. “I’m the freakin’ goddess of love, a’ight? I can get it done.‿ Paris thought about it. War hero, eh, sounds like an awful lot of work. And “all human knowledge‿, please, like the ladies were just crawlin’ all over Aristotle. Mhmm. And mount Olympus, that might be cool for like, a minute; but thy’re all goddesses and Nymphs up there, like they’d talk to me! “Alright,‿ he said. “I’m sold‿. “Good,‿ she said. “Now I gotta gotta bounce bounce, the Dead are playing a free show at the Parthenon.‿ And with that she vanished in a purple cloud of smoke.
The day of the contest came and, as promised, Paris awarded Aphrodite the Golden Apple of Discord, and the title of “The Fairest One‿. Minerva and Hera sulked off pouting, and Aphrodite happily accepted the apple from Paris. A thankful kiss on the cheek, and she was gone, vanished behind a curtain of beads in her loft on Mount Olympus. Paris was mortified, and then horrified as he realized what he’d done. He looked over and saw Zeus and Hades struggling to stifle their laughter. He looked at them, dejected. “Oh shit, man‿ said Zeus. “You just went up against Hera.‿ He just shook his head in pity. “Yeh‿, chimed Hades. “You’re fucked.‿
Fortunately, he was not fucked, not yet at least. But he was fucked over, or so he thought. Aphrodite has screwed him six ways to Samhain, and now he was left with no apple, no beautiful woman, no glorious battles or infinite wisdom, and a pair of very pissed off goddesses. Fortunately, Zeus never has more than a foot and a half out of the dog house with either of the two ladies, and it wasn’t long before his godly foot found it’s way flying back into his godly mouth with thunderbolt speed. Hera forgot all about Paris and concentrated her rage on Zeus. Minerva, as well, was distracted from her anger with Paris trying to figure out what so many hippies were doing camped out around her temple.
After three months, Aphrodite finally made a reappearance; a slightly fuzzy reappearance behind blood shot eyes. “Shit, man‿ she said in the general direction of Paris. He jumped with a start and turned around, nearly messing himself with excitement at seeing her again. “That was goooood apple.‿ She said with a slow laugh. “Alright‿, she continued. “A deal’s a deal. I got my apple and my rightful title, and those two old bitties got what they had coming., especially after what they did to me at last year’s Dionysian festival. Anyway, that’s neither there nor there. Tit for tit, I always say.‿ Finally, thought Paris. Back to the matter at hand. “Anyway, the most beautiful woman in the world. Ok. Here goes. Hold out your hands.‿ Paris, confused, slowly raised his hands out in front of him, not really sure what to expect. Laughter erupted from the back of the goddess’s throat, and burst out her nose with a snort. “I’m kidding, you dope. Like she’s just gonna drop out of the sky. Alright, no, close you eyes and count to nine thousand.‿ Paris looked at her, suspisciously. “Come on, you want her, or not? Close you eyes.‿ Paris closed his eyes and began to count. “Ha!‿ she nearly screamed. “Man you’re simple. Shit, I could do this all day. But “Laurel and Hardy‿’s on in like a half, so let’s just be done with the whole mess. Hey, Helen‿ she called over her shoulder. “Come on out here, girl‿. She slowly emerged from behind a tree. Yes, that’s right, Helen. The Helen. As in “of Troy‿. But that came later, at this point she was actually “of Sparta‿. So she and Paris fell madly in love and lived happily in his Sheppard’s cottage.
Ha, right. Wouldn’t that be a nice story. As it turns out, the folks of Sparta really dug Helen a lot. Especially with Aphrodite’s mysterious disappearance for the past three months, Helen was the only thing left that could arouse romance in the city-state. So they were pretty pissed when they found out she was shacking up with Paris. So pissed, in fact, that they went to war. Yeh, the Trojan War, horse and all. Mankind’s first war ever, the war that set them off on a long history of blood shed and murder. And why? Because some stoned goddess made a stupid promise to some horny sheppard? Well, yeh, that, too. But even before that, because Zeus was to much of an ass to invite Eris to their little shindig on Mount Olympus. That’s why this is the story of the original snub, that led to the original war.