Psychology Jokes

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Found on Psychologists' Doors

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Have you drugged your kids today?"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."


Why God never received a PhD

  1. He had only one major publication.
  2. It was in Hebrew.
  3. It had no references.
  4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
  5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
  6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
  7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
  8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
  9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
  10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
  11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
  12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
  13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
  14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
  15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
  16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
  17. No record of working well with colleagues.